Speech

"That's right, stupid little voice, bash all my hopes and dreams. Shut up and tell me how to start a conversation with someone who doesn't speak."
- Cody Kennedy "Ómorphi"

***

To me, speech is this:

• Strange
• Frustrating
• Incomprehensible
• Problematic
• Amazing
• Annoying

Since my earliest years I have been stuttering to the extreme. And stuttering to me is only now and then hanging on a letter, or a syllable. No, it is more this: Starting a word, or a thought, and not being able to continue. Which means that the person I am talking to is presented with someone who is utterly silent, while at the same time looking at him/her intently and desperately.
And to accompany this, I have tics. Which means my face is contorted while I am trying to speak, and I involuntarily twitch my arms. (I have Tourette's Syndrome but that's a whole new observation and we'll leave that for now).

I grew up in an extremely violent and abusive environment, where failure was not allowed. And failure included failing to speak. Therefore I was punished beyond belief and I became silent, unable to speak. At school bullying for this reason, for the tics and more (me being gay) was extreme, and I withdrew even more.

I created my own fictive safe place and stayed there as long as I wanted/needed.

I have been speaking over the past years. I had speech therapy and learned to communicate. Especially with friends and while talking about safe subjects it has even been easy. Although never as easy as they may think.

The weirdest thing happened a while ago. Because of the abuse I suffered, my throat, and especially my larynx and vocal chords were damaged. My vocal chords were repaired and I, once again, am back at having speech therapy. This is one frustrating journey! Why?
To be able to speak properly, I have to think now. And while I think, I tend to OVERTHINK. As a result I am back to my childhood stuttering... almost. With strangers I cannot speak anymore and have started to write again, on a notepad, with a pencil.

To people I know I can speak face to face, as long as it is a safe and familiar subject, and as long as it is only one person at a time. Groups (two or more) are a no-no.
I have two friends with whom I Skype. Jody and Ahmad (my love :).
I think they can testify about the strange ways stuttering comes and goes.

Ahmad had the most funny and annoying observation here. Once I shared my Skype screen with him while I was playing my favorite MMORPG: SW:TOR. While he watched me play, I explained what I was doing. All the while I SPOKE, really SPOKE. Which means that when my mind is distracted, this whole issue is a non-issue.
Ahmad also observes that when I am talking to him about abuse, this stuttering becomes bad to the point that I go back to typing in Facebook Messenger or IRC.
And then HE is my closest and dearest friend.

Which makes me wonder: will there ever be a time where I speak freely, even about the most horrible subjects? I tend to think not. Will I be able to get used to it? I now think I will. I am slowly getting more confident. Not only about speech, but about everything that is me. Stuttering; twitching; gay; totally non-binary; effeminate; not-sure-what gender; wheelchair.

I am me!
I hope you all can accept me the way I am, while I do my best to accept myself and discover me.
Love you all!

Darren <3