HOLIDAYS, part 2

HOLIDAYS, part 2

Living in a home that has never been my home is a problem I have addressed a little in: Living with the 'enemy'.

Living there with the upcoming holidays is a bit of a challenge now. Last week we had a discussion about my home situation with my psychiatrist, social worker, my parents and myself. Although my parents had chosen to take me into their home, they hadn't foreseen the amount of work and time it would take to help me through my days.

I could have told them right away, and I did actually tell them, but as with everything, you only understand it when you experienced it. So, here we are. It is not easy. For the time being there will be a nurse mornings and evenings to make sure I get in and out of bed, take my medication and to help me shower. And, to all of my hospital and doctors appointments, a taxi will bring me.

Emotionally speaking? It is hard. I never had a home and I felt at home somewhere for the very first time of my life. It feels like the safety and love is taken away from me.

My sister is angry. Her husband and she are now clearing out a room on the ground floor of their house for me. Their little son, who until today sleeps there, will move to a bedroom upstairs. And for part of the week I will start living with them. First as a sort of 'test' to see if it works, and we all feel happy enough. And if we do, it may become permanent.

And the holidays? This will be my first time I m going to spend the holidays with my sister and her family, and a little spark of hope is flickering in me.

Happy Thanksgiving America!

HOLIDAYS, part 1

HOLIDAYS, part 1

Soon December will wash over us, with all its warmth and sense of belonging and community. That is a good thing.

For me it is ambiguous, ambivalent. Until I was 15, I had never had a celebration of anything. No birthdays, no Christmas, nothing. It is new, and I have to admit that I am not sure how to feel about it. My father, mother, my little sister, and my big sister and her husband are already excited, and they are discussing form, brand, and size of the Christmas tree to buy.
My little sister is writing a wish list on her laptop as we speak.

I am an outsider. I stand at the window, looking in. Longing, not being able. Hoping to be seen while wanting to hide.

To make matters worse, my back surgery has been postponed until I am physically and mentally stronger. I don't know how to do that. I am not anorexic, but I DO have problems eating. And the constant nightmares, flashbacks and the pain make me nauseous. It's a challenge. I will have to find food I can stomach, pun intended.
And if anyone has a way to handle pain? By all means, let me know :)

See you later with part 2

LIVING WITH THE 'ENEMY'.

Living with the 'enemy'.

The strange house I am living in, I am not completely used to it yet. The people surrounding me are my flesh and blood, but still they are strangers to me.

I left the house when I was about 2-3 years old, and never saw them between ages 9 and 15. I cannot see them as parents anymore. I learned I had a little sister when I was 15.....

The only person I am still strongly attached to, is my older sister. And also her husband and her two little ones. They wanted me to come and live with them, but I refused. They have a young family and both have jobs. Taking care of me would be one extra job, I cannot do that to them.

So.... after mediation by my psychiatrist, my parents have agreed to let me live with them. They want me to.  And between hospitals I did not have a real place to live, everything has been temporary. Now suddenly I have a permanent place to live. With a futuristic bed, a desk, closets.... It's strange and I am not yet used to it.

There are so many issues we have to get out of the way. They have sessions with a therapist, I have them, and sometimes we have them together. Problems we face are for instance:

• My mother goes to church every day to pray for my healing. Healing in the sense of physical and mental healing, but also..... she hopes to pray me cured of gayness, because she honestly thinks my grandfather (her father) made me gay;
• My father and my little sister are autistic. I have no problems with that, it's quite refreshing, but my intrusion in their regulated lives gives them some problems;
• My health in every way requires a lot of maintenance. A nurse comes by every day to help me take a bath and so on;
• We are still so awkward around each other. Strangers in a strange land.

Family ties. We can never choose our biological family, but sometimes, for diverse reasons, we suddenly are back to biology....
I love my chosen family. Will the day come that I love my biological family?
I certainly hope so, let the awkwardness disappear!

-Darren.