The Missing

The Missing - Season 2

I am triggered into writing about my own life, because of the second season of this series. It talks about a few aspects that are always kept away from the public:

1. After having been captured and regained 'freedom', people are everywhere so happy that you are free, and then move on. 
2. The fact that you are not you anymore. A different you emerges, you are born again, not in a good way oftentimes. You have to reinvent life
3. So many things, so normal for others, do not exist for you anymore.

ad 1) Of course people move on, it's only logical. What is NOT logical however is that people expect you are happy to be free, that you are able to move on with your life. That is an impossibility, a gross lie you try to live by... And fail eternally. 

ad 2) I am not me anymore. I am not the person I was and never will be. That I have a different name now is quite apt. I am not a caterpillar born into a butterfly though.. I am a butterfly turned to caterpillar, living a humble life.

ad 3) These are a few examples:

• I cannot be touched anymore. If I want someone to touch me, I have to take the initiative first, if not I flashback in such a hard way that I might become catatonic. Although I am improving, this still happens;
• Speech, already an issue, is my major issue now. I can speak about myself in poems with emotion, everywhere else I can only speak about myself in a mechanical way, a summing-up-the-facts way;
• I live the life of a hermit, the world is too loud for me. I have friends, very real and loving friends, but they are online friends. I love my friends dearly, I fear physical nearness. I long to be with you, my love, physical, but it scares me so much the same time.

I am building a new life on the ruins of my old life. I hope that one day I can say I was born at age 20, when my true life began. And that it is a happy life ever since.