THE MANY FACE(T)S OF DEPRESSION.
What does depression do to me? It's an ever present, strangely quiet companion. I know it's always there, lurking. When I feel good, and people ask me how I feel, I say: "Feeling great". And I do feel great then, it's not that I am lying, it is more that in the back of my mind a little voice is speaking to me, telling me: "Sooooon, soooooooooon my friend and I'll hit you again".
It's a paralyzing fear sometimes, the fear for a next major episode. The episode that lands you for a longer period of time in a secluded, closed part of mental hospital, because... yeah because... Sometimes not even because you tried to kill yourself, but because you are utterly incapable of taking care of yourself.
Depressive state (the state I am in for a few months now) is less severe, but sometimes debilitating. What does a 'low' do to me specifically?
- It silences the writer in me;
- It causes me to write bad poetry, whining sort of;
- I feel physically ill. My head, arms, everything hurts;
- Light hurts my eyes, sound hurts my ears;
- Food comes back out through my mouth faster than it went in;
- Putting on my clothes is a major achievement, as is brushing my teeth, afterwards I need to go back to sleep again;
- I isolate, it is hard to reach out, still I do because I know I need people and often I feel a lot better after some banter that makes me cry with laughter;
- Yes, depressed people can laugh uncontrollably, weird huh?
I regularly speak with a friend who also suffers from depression. And we compare symptoms, a lot are the same, a lot differ. All people are different, so every depressed person is different, and everyone experiences different symptoms.
Also everyone will have a different opinion on what symptom exactly is the most debilitating. And so there is no common denominator other than this: having an illness outside people often wrongly determine as a state of being sad, while inside people will not deny the sadness, but more often describe an all encompassing tiredness that causes you to halt, stand still, drop down and hide.
I'm so glad we're friends now Darren!
ReplyDeleteI've a friend that has bipolar maniac depression, and all you said above is what i see her dealing daily. I'm glad she found that she can reach out to me even in her lows and that she doesn't feel that she need to lie to me about it.
Invisible deseases are the hardest, but who face it are the strongest kind of person I've ever met!
Bipolar Disorder is very hard....
DeleteIt's so good she has you as friend!
I like it very much that we are friends now, very much :) <3
as a constant sufferer of hormonal, post natal, and now meneopause depression i know something of what you go through mine is and always has been ruled by that traitorous oestregen.. i have sat laughing with family as a feeling inside my head screams your going maaaaad and i get butterflies as i wait for it to take control or pass, most times it passes.. i try to think happy thoughts and when im low sometimes i just let it take over for a while..all of us differ but the common denominator is as we say here a melted mallet (wrecked head) and a feeling of loss of control.. speedy recovery darren it takes strong people not weak ones to take back control
ReplyDeleteI think a melted mallet is a very effective description yes! Taking back control is what I am aiming for and what at the same time is the hardest ever...
DeleteI hope you manage to take back control, Menopause Depression is a difficult one because of all the hormones wreaking havoc....
Take good care of yourself :)
-Darren.